The two most influential men in my life, besides my papa.

Dedicate this post to a special friend of mine in heaven for 6 years and also my ex boyfriend - H & A.
It is based on true life experience.

I decided to write this post, not because of i want your empathy or sympathy, but to share this feeling to you.
I cannot say this is related to the human communication subject, but i just want to share with you.

I knew these two boys. I cannot say they are men, because that time i was young, about 12.
I knew these two boys, namely H & A. We became real good friends, in fact buddies.
H, is always like a brother to me. I never felt this way before - so protective and feeling good around him. When i was young, i was really a tomboy. A, on the other hand, he is really a smart person. Until now, he is. He is total different man compared to others. I never seen such a person who can understand another person's feeling well.
Especially me.

When we three are together, we had fun, like real fun.
It was some how the best time in my life, now to think back.
At that point of my life, i thought these two boys would be my partners in life.

6 years ago from today, is the last day i saw H. He passed away due to a hit and run car accident.
I never get to say goodbye to him. I was young, i cried. but not many people noticed it.
I do not care, i am the type who hides, according to A.
Maybe, that is when i changed.
I changed to an emotional person.

Since then, we just sort of seperated.
We barely contact each other, me and A.
I remember, i could not attend the funeral due to some reasons.
A attended for me.
White lilies are specially dedicated to him. - to symbolize purity innocence.
A helped me to bring it to him.
since then, every year of this day, we would buy a single lily and dedicate to him by throwing it to the sea. ( it is some sort of "tradition" H's family, A and me keep. )

Then years passed by.
When i was form 4, A came back to me one day - He migrated to UK.
after a long wild goose chase, i agreed to be with him.
Our relationship lasted for less than 3 years- he was not here all the time.
I thought i was madly in love with him - i thought he was the one.
I had crush on him for quite a while, and so does he to me.
But we never made a step further than friends- H's death affected us all.
I even lost faith of God.

When A and I were together, we are not like normal couples.
We rarely do what a normal couples do. - watch movie, cling hands, or anything else.
Believe it or not, we like to stare each other. it was some inside joke.
But one thing he kept telling me, is that, i could not let go H yet.
His place in my life is to deep in my heart - too hard to get it out.
I thought, by loving A, would get rid of it.
I do not know what you want to call it, Love? Passion? Brother love?
I thought i loved A more than H, as i thought loved H as my brother.- and that is the truth, at first.
The beginning, yes i do love him as passionately in love with him.
But whenever H's death comes into my head, i got confused.
I was wrong about my feelings towards A and H.

And that was one of the reason i broke up with A.
I knew i cannot love A as i keep thinking if he is H.
A found a better girl than i am, namely Rachel.
I do not mind.
As long as people in my surroundings are happy.
Happy with themselves.

many people said i am being emotional of my relationships.
Truth is, i think it is best to be emotional rather than realistic.
If you are not emotional, then what is love in realistic?

Please be happy.
Now that i found another person in my life, even if i do not have him, i just want him to be happy.

That is the lesson i learnt from Hikaru.

Now i finally can move on, after 6 years of struggling with myself.
dedicate this song to H & A.



바람이 머문 그시간 조차
나에겐 너무 모자란걸
한번의 미소 마지막 인사
사랑합니다 그댈

시간에 지쳐도 사랑에 아파도
그시간 조차 추억이고
마지막 인사를 하네요
사랑합니다 사랑합니다

Fly away Fly away LOVE
Fly away Fly away LOVE
Fly away Fly away LOVE

내생에 단 한번의 사랑아 안녕