Memories.

Song of the post : Father's watch by eternal morning
This post is dedicated to Mom.

This is a little personal stuff that i want to share with you all.
If you know me before i came into foundations, you may ask me " what am you doing now? Studying or working?"
If you want the true answer, i will say " i am wiping my memories clean."

My teenage time during my secondary school time, was not really good.
In fact, there are only two remaining school friends I still contact with until now.
Others, they are either alive in somewhere on earth or flew away.
They never approached me; I do to them. They practice conformity- That is what i do not like about.
There are many more things happen during that period of time.
They left me nothing but bad memories.
I hate those bad memories, and i was trying to wipe it clean.
There is a shield between me and relationships.
If i sensed that i will get "drown" in a relationship, i would pull myself out.
I wanted to be selfish, rather than getting myself into great depression.

However, one thing changed my mind about memories.
I thought my memories are so bad enough to torture me.

My mom suddenly have this sickness.
I dont really remember what it is called, as i only know in chinese.
She will suffer from memory loss due to her fluid in the ears are imbalanced(some what like that.)
In simple english : the ear's "damage" is so bad, that it affected the brain. - that is how the memory loss comes in.
One day, she gave me a shock. She gave me a call asking me if i need transportation home from college.
I told her, " mom. i am home."
Immediately, i went to her, asking what is wrong.
she replied that she is having headache, and wanted to have panadols.
She also said that she forgot if she had sent me home, eaten lunch, cooked dinner, bath, etc.
Few days later, she did not explain what the doctor said, but we did ask the doctor about it.
He explained about her ears problem, and how it relates to the memory loss.

It was the hardest month for me.
Sometimes, i really want to tell her, " Mom, i love you. Never forget me."
But i guess it runs in my family - We do not say it.
We do not express.
We only show her by working hard in our own life- that is exactly what my mom wanted.

How funny about memories, when i just wanted to wipe my memories away.
Having bad memories is better than not having any memories.
Imagine we forgot every single communications we have, example, you forgot the person you care the most. Every single minute, seconds, you forgot about them.
Sad, do you think so?

My mom and i never really have any much communications.
We do not fight, you could say, we have different opinions and mind set.
Example, i am more open minded, mom is more to old fashioned type mind set.
This differences really made our relationship not so good.
We communicate really differently.
We never really say it straight to the face.

However, put yourself in my shoes.
Mom is on the bed, forgot everything about your own existence, and now she is standing on the line of death and life. *touchwood*
What would you say or do?
Will you kiss her?
Will you say," It's me, your son/ daughter?
Will you hold her hands say how much you love her?
What is stopping you to do so?

Does it look gay?
Does it look weird?
Does it make you look not cool?

That was the damn last chance for them to see you.

What is inside you that stops you showing your own concern?
Think about it.

Never feel shy to do so.
That is the most beautiful thing in life - to show love.
In the movie " Moulin rouge", Ewan Mcgregor said "The greatest thing you ever learn is just to love and to be loved in return"
To that, i hold on.

Never wipe your own memories, even if they are bad.
Because the end of your life, they will be the most vivid memories in your life.

-Chengyee